Have you ever felt like giving up? Running as fast as you can away from a situation or a person? Feeling lost, and incomplete? I feel as if a piece of me is out there somewhere in this world, but its not in my view or possession.
I have loved this guy for over 6 years, and I finally feel like i dont belong. I have dated him off and on, watched from the sidelines being his "friend" as he dated other girls. Now, I want nothing more then to be with him, and he is dating someone else. But he wants to still "have fun" with me. I feel like im this girl thats good enough for him behind closed doors, but she is there for the public view. I never imagined i could hurt this much from one guy. Its like he knows exactly what to say to keep me holding on, but also knows exactly what strings to pull to break my heart.
So here is the question. Do I just give up? Do i say good-bye and push him out of my life? or do i stand by and be his friend, knowing that it tears me apart?
Im sick of crying myself to sleep, im sick of feeling this emptiness in my soul. am i a masacistic person, standing by just to make sure i feel the pain?
Its like i am lost in this world and i cant find the door to my freedom. I know one guy cant solve my problems of lonliness, but he could be there for me. I cant tell him everything, because i feel like i would be a burden. Do my feelings come second when they would ruin a friendship?
questions that wont get answered tonight, so another night ill cry myself to sleep .
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
whats on my mind
I have been home now for 11 days. and honestly i have had some good times and some bad times. I love my daughter, but since me comming back, im not so certain she loves me in return.
Little things sting my heart that she says or does. She calls me "mommy mel" and my mother "mom." when did i lose the privalege to be just mommy, she has to put my name in there too. its like my mother is higher on her pole then me. She wont sleep with me at night, instead she would rather scream and holler to sleep in the same bed as my parents. I do understand that my parents have been raising my daughter, but its like i dont matter. I know my daughter cares about me, but its like im someone she can do without. Its like if i were to die, it wouldn't take long for her to get over me, because i didn't mean that much to her to begin with.
Another thing on my mind, My relationship. I love nate, but there are things that bother me about him as well. He wants to be an entire part of my life soooo badly, that its like he is trying to rush into everything, including how to raise my daughter. She is my daughter, i will raise her how i want to raise her. He has not wrote me once while being overseas. And that hurts soooo much! Its not that he doesn't have the time, its that he is to lazy to. It feels as if he just doesn't care about me that much. He also is very set in the way he thinks. Then there are things that he just wont take imput on, may they be little or large, if he thinks someway... thats how it is going to be. no talking about it. THATS IT.
My mom sat me down the other day and was talking to me about Nate, It made me think. Is she right? or am i just believing her cuz she is my mother. I love nate and yes, we have things to work on, but nothing that we cant handle... as long as we can have good communication. I Love my mom, but at the same time, she needs to back off. She doesn't know nate as well as i do, nor has she given him a chance.
I also went running on sat around the block in brooklyn center. and i stepped into a pot hole, and the dr thinks that i tore cartalidge. i will find out more about my knee on friday when i get my MRI done. I am scared, but there isn't much i can do now.
I just have a lot on my mind right now. I just really hope you pray for me.
Little things sting my heart that she says or does. She calls me "mommy mel" and my mother "mom." when did i lose the privalege to be just mommy, she has to put my name in there too. its like my mother is higher on her pole then me. She wont sleep with me at night, instead she would rather scream and holler to sleep in the same bed as my parents. I do understand that my parents have been raising my daughter, but its like i dont matter. I know my daughter cares about me, but its like im someone she can do without. Its like if i were to die, it wouldn't take long for her to get over me, because i didn't mean that much to her to begin with.
Another thing on my mind, My relationship. I love nate, but there are things that bother me about him as well. He wants to be an entire part of my life soooo badly, that its like he is trying to rush into everything, including how to raise my daughter. She is my daughter, i will raise her how i want to raise her. He has not wrote me once while being overseas. And that hurts soooo much! Its not that he doesn't have the time, its that he is to lazy to. It feels as if he just doesn't care about me that much. He also is very set in the way he thinks. Then there are things that he just wont take imput on, may they be little or large, if he thinks someway... thats how it is going to be. no talking about it. THATS IT.
My mom sat me down the other day and was talking to me about Nate, It made me think. Is she right? or am i just believing her cuz she is my mother. I love nate and yes, we have things to work on, but nothing that we cant handle... as long as we can have good communication. I Love my mom, but at the same time, she needs to back off. She doesn't know nate as well as i do, nor has she given him a chance.
I also went running on sat around the block in brooklyn center. and i stepped into a pot hole, and the dr thinks that i tore cartalidge. i will find out more about my knee on friday when i get my MRI done. I am scared, but there isn't much i can do now.
I just have a lot on my mind right now. I just really hope you pray for me.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
just a dream
Have you ever felt like you were living a dream? Like this isn't your life, and you will wake up any minute. I feel like that is my life right now. Like this isn't me here in Kuwait at a Starbucks getting ready to go north to Iraq. Everything seems surreal to me. I feel safe, even though i am still in a foreign country on the border of a WAR zone.
A little geography lesson for those that dont know. Kuwait is not Iraq! Kuwait is actually only 20 miles from Iraq though. so its not that bad, but you technically are still in danger.
My emotions are all over the place. I am happy that im making money, but being away from my family is so hard. I miss Nate sooo much, and I want to believe that we are going to make it through this, but i dont know. Its a lot to ask for someone to be faithful to someone who they are away from for a year. I know he loves me, and i know he wants to be with me, but is there a breaking point where your body over rides your heart?
I miss my mom and karlee too, they mean sooo much to me. I am missing Karlee grow up. Is she going to forget about me? Am i being a bad mom for leaving? She is home with my parents and getting so big. And i am missing it all. When i call she doesn't really want to talk, and doesn't recognize my voice. I understand that she is busy and has a lot going on in her life, i just hope she doesn't forget me. That would break my heart. Tomorrow is Mother's day, and i wish i was there. i wish i could hear her voice and play with her a little bit.
the weather here is pretty hot, only about 110 degrees daily. but there is no such thing as a blue sky here, nor can you see the stars. its like there is too much sand in the air. I wish i could look at the stars at night and think that those were the same stars that my others are looking at. I wish i could walk through the grass barefoot, cuz the sand is not the same. Then there are sand fleas! I HATE SAND FLEAS!!!! they get into your hair, then bite you. they are not like normal fleas back home... they are big! This place stinks too! the workers around here smell like they haven't taken a shower for weeks. I wish i could hand out deoderant to everyone. then there is the "HIGH" quality porta shitters that stink all the time. its not that bad, but with the heat it gets intensified.
well i better go, i will be on later. Ill talk to you guys later. Keep in touch
A little geography lesson for those that dont know. Kuwait is not Iraq! Kuwait is actually only 20 miles from Iraq though. so its not that bad, but you technically are still in danger.
My emotions are all over the place. I am happy that im making money, but being away from my family is so hard. I miss Nate sooo much, and I want to believe that we are going to make it through this, but i dont know. Its a lot to ask for someone to be faithful to someone who they are away from for a year. I know he loves me, and i know he wants to be with me, but is there a breaking point where your body over rides your heart?
I miss my mom and karlee too, they mean sooo much to me. I am missing Karlee grow up. Is she going to forget about me? Am i being a bad mom for leaving? She is home with my parents and getting so big. And i am missing it all. When i call she doesn't really want to talk, and doesn't recognize my voice. I understand that she is busy and has a lot going on in her life, i just hope she doesn't forget me. That would break my heart. Tomorrow is Mother's day, and i wish i was there. i wish i could hear her voice and play with her a little bit.
the weather here is pretty hot, only about 110 degrees daily. but there is no such thing as a blue sky here, nor can you see the stars. its like there is too much sand in the air. I wish i could look at the stars at night and think that those were the same stars that my others are looking at. I wish i could walk through the grass barefoot, cuz the sand is not the same. Then there are sand fleas! I HATE SAND FLEAS!!!! they get into your hair, then bite you. they are not like normal fleas back home... they are big! This place stinks too! the workers around here smell like they haven't taken a shower for weeks. I wish i could hand out deoderant to everyone. then there is the "HIGH" quality porta shitters that stink all the time. its not that bad, but with the heat it gets intensified.
well i better go, i will be on later. Ill talk to you guys later. Keep in touch
Saturday, April 18, 2009
finally time to relax
Today was a good day! the first thing i had to do today (besides wake up) was go zero my M4 at the range. I zeroed in the first 12 rounds! yippie. Then i got to relax!
Right now i am sitting in the PX and just monkeying around on the computer. I thought i should leave a lil note. I am in good spirits, the whole part of me leaving has hit me, but hasn't really sunk in yet. I feel like im on a working vacation. It feels weird, Like i should be sadder then i am, or more upset with the military. At the same time-- i know this is something i wanted, and something that will benefit me.
I also want to give props to my uncle Paul, he is amazing, and knows what he is talking about when it comes to the military. He also watches out for me too! and i love him for that. He has been making plans for me on my pass ( that i may get) with one of his friends. His friend is going to show me the city of El paso... so i am super excited!!
Like always i miss everyone, and am sorry i dont write as much as i should... its just really busy for me here. I promise to write more when things slow down, but until then i am going to go... and be on my way.
Take care-- God Bless-- I love you All VERY much!
Melody
Right now i am sitting in the PX and just monkeying around on the computer. I thought i should leave a lil note. I am in good spirits, the whole part of me leaving has hit me, but hasn't really sunk in yet. I feel like im on a working vacation. It feels weird, Like i should be sadder then i am, or more upset with the military. At the same time-- i know this is something i wanted, and something that will benefit me.
I also want to give props to my uncle Paul, he is amazing, and knows what he is talking about when it comes to the military. He also watches out for me too! and i love him for that. He has been making plans for me on my pass ( that i may get) with one of his friends. His friend is going to show me the city of El paso... so i am super excited!!
Like always i miss everyone, and am sorry i dont write as much as i should... its just really busy for me here. I promise to write more when things slow down, but until then i am going to go... and be on my way.
Take care-- God Bless-- I love you All VERY much!
Melody
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
LIFE SUCKS!!
Ok so in the last month i have been training. doing basic stuff like detaining, restricting, and unarmed self defense. It is all really fun, but a lot of it is common sense!! WELCOME TO THE MILITARY i guess.
Well yesterday was one of the worst days of my life! I got oc sprayed aka pepper sprayed. all i can say is FUCK MY LIFE!! it was the worst pain i have ever felt in my entire life. It felt like someone was poking my eyes out from the inside with pins. then we had to go through a lane with the oc in our eyes and the first step was to take a guy down using the arm bar, the second was to use the baton and swing back and forth, the third step was to keep 2 attackers back, then the thrid was to block, and the forth was a take down with the baton. The decon would have to be the worst part of everything tho. we rinsed our eyes, and put baby shampoo in them... like literlly in our eyes! then went in front of a fan. mind you, you can not see a damn thing. so then i knelt near a wall and tried to cry it out of my eyes. well i started throwing up and then i passed out. ICK! when i got back to "camp" i took a shower, which reactivated the stuff! OUCH!
today, i got tazed! that was not that bad. it just felt like tons of electricity running thorugh your body. it actually helped my soar back! yippie!!
I get to take a written test tomorrow on detainee operations. im excited about it! i have been doing out standing here. i have been actually doing above and beyond.
I miss you all, and it is hard being here, but this is something i want to do. As bad as it sounds they are keeping me sooooo busy, that i can barly do anything else. That kinda sucks, but it also makes me not miss home as much. i mean i think about home and all my family, friends, and everyone else all the time i do get.
Well yesterday was one of the worst days of my life! I got oc sprayed aka pepper sprayed. all i can say is FUCK MY LIFE!! it was the worst pain i have ever felt in my entire life. It felt like someone was poking my eyes out from the inside with pins. then we had to go through a lane with the oc in our eyes and the first step was to take a guy down using the arm bar, the second was to use the baton and swing back and forth, the third step was to keep 2 attackers back, then the thrid was to block, and the forth was a take down with the baton. The decon would have to be the worst part of everything tho. we rinsed our eyes, and put baby shampoo in them... like literlly in our eyes! then went in front of a fan. mind you, you can not see a damn thing. so then i knelt near a wall and tried to cry it out of my eyes. well i started throwing up and then i passed out. ICK! when i got back to "camp" i took a shower, which reactivated the stuff! OUCH!
today, i got tazed! that was not that bad. it just felt like tons of electricity running thorugh your body. it actually helped my soar back! yippie!!
I get to take a written test tomorrow on detainee operations. im excited about it! i have been doing out standing here. i have been actually doing above and beyond.
I miss you all, and it is hard being here, but this is something i want to do. As bad as it sounds they are keeping me sooooo busy, that i can barly do anything else. That kinda sucks, but it also makes me not miss home as much. i mean i think about home and all my family, friends, and everyone else all the time i do get.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
IN Texas
So i am here in Texas, and it is soo peaceful. the weather is like 78 degrees. I am near the mountains so that is soo beautiful to see. I have not started my training yet.
So my travel here to texas did not start as peacefully as i would have hoped for. I arrived at the airport, only to find out that i had too many bags! my orderes stated that i was allowed excess baggage, but they did not verify that with the reservations. So i had to repack everything, to include they had to be under 100lbs a piece, and also i had to pay an extra 200 dollars for the extra bags. IT SUCKED ASS! then when i get to security, they made me empty out everything, you know cuz they thought i was carring a bomb or something. GRRR! and i was in uniform! luckily they bumped me up to FIRST class on both my flights. That was nice. and once i got here it was hectic. It was like run run run run run! and then i FINALLY get to the building i am supposed to be staying at, and find out that i am not going to start training for another 2 weeks.,... GRRR!!!!
Today i recieved my shots... and for everyones information... i found out im NOT pregnant today!! yippie! not that i was worried... just want everyone to know that. I recieved my TB and my Antrax shots. I also got blood drawn... ICK!
I have been doing a lot of sitting around and waiting. there are 2 girls that i can not stand!! i seriously want to punch them so bad. They are disrespectful to EVERYONE including NCO's! i have told them time and time again to watch themselves, but they dont!! i just wish they would know who they were talking to!
well that is all for now... there will be more to come. I am sorry i do not have an address yet, as soon as i get it i will post it!
love ya, miss ya,
melody
So my travel here to texas did not start as peacefully as i would have hoped for. I arrived at the airport, only to find out that i had too many bags! my orderes stated that i was allowed excess baggage, but they did not verify that with the reservations. So i had to repack everything, to include they had to be under 100lbs a piece, and also i had to pay an extra 200 dollars for the extra bags. IT SUCKED ASS! then when i get to security, they made me empty out everything, you know cuz they thought i was carring a bomb or something. GRRR! and i was in uniform! luckily they bumped me up to FIRST class on both my flights. That was nice. and once i got here it was hectic. It was like run run run run run! and then i FINALLY get to the building i am supposed to be staying at, and find out that i am not going to start training for another 2 weeks.,... GRRR!!!!
Today i recieved my shots... and for everyones information... i found out im NOT pregnant today!! yippie! not that i was worried... just want everyone to know that. I recieved my TB and my Antrax shots. I also got blood drawn... ICK!
I have been doing a lot of sitting around and waiting. there are 2 girls that i can not stand!! i seriously want to punch them so bad. They are disrespectful to EVERYONE including NCO's! i have told them time and time again to watch themselves, but they dont!! i just wish they would know who they were talking to!
well that is all for now... there will be more to come. I am sorry i do not have an address yet, as soon as i get it i will post it!
love ya, miss ya,
melody
Saturday, March 28, 2009
yes im leaving
well most of you already know that i am leving for texas tommorrow, and then at the end of the month i will be in Iraq.
I am informing you now, that i cant leave details on where i am going, nor can i tell you some of the exact details of my mission. I inform you of this now, because i could get in a lot of trouble if i do, or if you know anything, spreading the word.
I ask you, if you are approached by the media, to keep it simple and honest. The less they know the better.
I feel the military has provided me with the best possible training i could recieve, and feel confident in my job over seas.
This is what i wanted, Just remember that, i want to go overseas and fight for my country. If you dont agree with what i am doing, then please keep that to yourself.. Cuz i dont want to hear about it.
I will miss you all greatly and keep you up to date on here and through letters.
I love you all.
I am informing you now, that i cant leave details on where i am going, nor can i tell you some of the exact details of my mission. I inform you of this now, because i could get in a lot of trouble if i do, or if you know anything, spreading the word.
I ask you, if you are approached by the media, to keep it simple and honest. The less they know the better.
I feel the military has provided me with the best possible training i could recieve, and feel confident in my job over seas.
This is what i wanted, Just remember that, i want to go overseas and fight for my country. If you dont agree with what i am doing, then please keep that to yourself.. Cuz i dont want to hear about it.
I will miss you all greatly and keep you up to date on here and through letters.
I love you all.
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